STLRAMSTAILGATE    2015
Jacks Joke of the week & The latest pictures.



We have a new feature, as you can tell it is called,
         "Jack's Joke Of The Week"

We will feature a new joke each week from Jack, 
some may be offended some may not- so enjoy.  

If you have anything good send it my way  stlramstailgate@aol.com 


10-16-2012
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"


10-6-2012

Jackie had applied for a job and when she returned home, her Dad, Ron asked how the interview went. 

"Pretty good, I think," replied Jackie, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married." 

Her Dad, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No",replied Jackie, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

9-14-2012

Ron and Chris stopped off at  a diner on the way to tailgate. The waitress says, "Ready to order?" Ron says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie." The waitress says, "A quickie?  I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu." GChris leans and says, "It's pronounced "quiche."



9-14-2012
Jeff and Chris returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Chris opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," Jeff asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," Chris explained. "I'm looking for the seal." 

9-14-2012
Ashton, Chris's daughter asked her mom, "How did humans appear?" Her mom said, "God made Adam & Eve & they had offspring." Later she asked her dad, Chris and he said, "Humans evolved from monkeys." Ashton was confused and returned to ask her mom; "Mom, how is it possible that humans were created by God & dad said they evolved from monkeys?" Kim answered, "Well dear, I told you about my side of the family & your dad told you about his." 



9-3-2012
Jackie and her buddies are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there
 before the bullet".


Jackie listens to the other two and shakes her head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast.
 My father works for the Murphy Co. He stops working at 3:30 and he is home by 2:45!!"


9-3-2012
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" 
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" 


12-29-2011
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, "I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel." 


12-29-2011
A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!" 

12-29-2011
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised as, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats, and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you??" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side." 

 10-25-2011
One night, Marko was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Marko and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Marko put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Marko's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Mark was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Marko why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Marko replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
  


10-25-2011
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts.Chris intended to stock up. At the store, however, He was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, He heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store?"

9-21-2011
One rainy evening, Jeff & Linda emerged from a restaurant only to find that Jeff had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. Jeff then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and climbed in. As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."

9-5-2011
Little Chris was in science class. The professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of alcohol. He had one glass of water and one glass of wine. So the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water and its floating and appears happy. He then sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom of the glass, dead. So the professor asks, " what was this suppose to teach you, class?" No one raises their hand to answer but the little Chris raises his hand and says, "drink alcohol and you won't get worms."



8-27-2011
Chris and Kim are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. Chris picks up a case of Bud Select and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Kim. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands Kim, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the womanKim picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Chris. "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you," replies Kim. Chris retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price."


8-27-2011
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Susie, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."

8-27-2011
Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Signed...
Concerned Golfer


10-16-2010 (Sandy T)
Chris was watching fascinated as his Mom was applying cold cream to her face, Chris says, Mom what are you doing and Karen says this is to make myself beautiful, A few minutes later she grabbed a tissue and started to remove the cream and Chris yells out "Giving up". 

9-17-2010  (Thanks Carl)

Did you hear about the Jewish kid that asked his dad if he could borrow $50? His dad replied, “40 dollars? What do you need $30 dollars for?




8-15-2010

Chris goes down for breakfast one morning and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won $500. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."



10-16-09   (Thanks Sandy T)
A  Pleimann Boys Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
 
I have been with a loose girl'. 

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Christopher Pleimann?' 'Yes, Father, it is.'
 

'And who was the girl you were with?''I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Chris, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
 so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Kim Slavic?'
'I cannot say.'
'

Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
 


The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. 
But you've sinned and have to atone.
 You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. 
Now you go and behave yourself.'
 

Chris walks back to his pew,
 and his friend Tyson slides over and whispers, 
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'



10-14-09

A man enters a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sits next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking at his bulging pockets. After many glances from her, he says, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look, thinking about what he has said.
Not able to contain her curiosity, she asks, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


10-14-09
Last week Chris checked into his hotel in Chicago and was a bit lonely. He thought, he'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books
like escorts and such.He picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself, Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
He figured, what the heck, he'll give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, he thought she sounded sexy.
Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated he rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."


12-12-08
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is
pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you
should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello,...........are you still
there?' Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replies Chris Pleimann....................

11-20-08

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that  name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
  Why ???
  OH, come on... take a guess !!!     Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!
  Everyone knows...
  You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!


11-10-08
10-14-0910-14-09Last week Chris checked into his hotel in Chicago and was a bit lonely. He thought, he'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone bookslike escorts and such.He picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself, Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!He figured, what the heck, he'll give her a call."Hello," the woman says. God, he thought she sounded sexy.Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated he rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?""That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."12-12-08A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loudpounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to thedoor where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouringrain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife.  'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.  'Did you help him?' she asks.  'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it ispouring rain out there!'  'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.'Can't you remember about three months ago when webroke down, and those two guys helped us? I think youshould help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'  The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes outinto the pounding rain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chris took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Chris. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Chris again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Chris lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Chris figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

11-9-08
Chris Plyman walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

10-6-08 

Taking the final exam

Jeff and Chris were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to go to the tailgate party the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Chris was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Jeff on the shoulder. "Pssst. Jeff. What's the answer to the last question?"

Jeff laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Chris. "Chris, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Chris. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Jeff's shoulder again, he whispered, "Jeff, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Chris. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

 

9-19-08
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' 

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

The rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. 

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' 

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' 

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' 

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.' 

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. 

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?' 

 

 

 

 

9-18-08
 

Car Extras

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too...see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver ' s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger ' s tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he ' s impressed.

' You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request? '

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and once again he whispers in the horse ' s ear. As before, Silver
takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief ' s surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger ' s tent and also spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the
Lone Ranger, ' You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill
you tomorrow. ' So what is your last request? '

The Lone Ranger responds,

' I ' d like to speak to my horse.... alone. '

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the
Lone
Ranger
' s tent.

Once they ' re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says:

' Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.

For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE ' .

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